Why me?

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I have a couple random thoughts floating around in my head today.  They keep coming back to me, even as I attempt to focus on other things!  Naturally, the best rememdy for this (for me) is to write those random thoughts down.  So here goes!

I turned 30 yesterday.  Even written down like that, it looks so much older than 29, doesn’t it???  Maybe it’s just me.  I remember being somewhere in my teens and thinking of 30 as this huge ominous number.  A number so far off and distant that it was hard to imagine ever attaining it.  I never really dreaded it though.  30 seems like such a grown up age.  In my mind, 30 was an age when I would know exactly who I am.  I’d have a house-full of kids, teach a toddler Sunday school class, drive a mini-van and have a system for all the AWANAs uniforms and books that would surely have taken over parts of our house.  We’d live in a quiet old neighborhood with a picket fence and a cute old couple with rocking chairs on their front porch for neighbors.  I would have a weekly lunch date with my sisters, and all our kids would be best friends.  Doesn’t that sound fun???  Well, to me it does.  😉  And truly, that’s the only way I could picture what my life would be like at 30 yrs old.

It’s almost surreal to place that picture next to a snapshot of my reality.  I live 3,000 miles South of my sisters.  My weekly lunch date is with a group of other (mostly) American moms and their toddlers.  Our kids are all great friends, too!  I do sortof teach Sunday school… but not on Sundays.  That’s what I do every single day of the week with my 3 little girls!  On Sundays, Nathan and I and those three little girls have been doing “church” in our living room.  We sing some Spanish praise and worship songs, some English songs, do a child-level study and then while the kids quietly color or look at books, Nathan and I study out something that we’ve been working on together.  It’s precious.  And peaceful.  I would not be honest if I led you to believe that we don’t miss our church back home.  We do.  Terribly!  But until importing an entire church and it’s members becomes an option, we are sorting through possibilities and trying to bring up our children as best as we can… according to how God is leading us.  In short, there is no AWANAs here!  🙂  I don’t drive a mini-van, but a rough/tough Yukon.  It handles the horrible pot-holes and “speed bumps” that pepper the roads down here.  As far as the picket fence goes… well, here is our version of that…

In the end, my life looks nothing like what I imagined it would 15 or even 10 yrs ago!  But I could not have imagined the joy that surrounds it either.  I had no clue how much I would love being a mom.  I could not have guessed how desperately I would love my girls and husband.  I never would have imagined the fulfillment that would come with being a missionary.  On so many levels, I feel that I do not deserve this life.  I don’t deserve to be a tool that the Creator of the Universe can use to bring glory to Himself.  Why would He pick me???

My other “why me” thought for the day is this… why do we celebrate ME on my birthday?  I didn’t do anything!  It’s odd (but sweet) that I would get 2 phone calls in one day from a friend and a sister who just wanted to say “I’m glad you were born 30 yrs ago!”  Is it just me?  Yeah, it probably is.  I’m weird like that.  It just seems like people would call the birthday girl/boy’s mom.  After all, she’s the one that did all the work.  And not just for those excruciating hours of childbirth, but for many many days and nights to follow!  I do understand the need to lavish love on someone for a special day every year.  I understand that much better now that I have kids!  I want to make their birthdays so special!

Anyway.  I’m definitely rambling.  Here’s the nutshell… I am so grateful for my mama!  If she hadn’t gone to the trouble of having me, I wouldn’t be celebrating 30 yrs on this earth.  So thank you, Mom.  Not just for enduring the few hrs of labor for me, but for the countless sleepless nights of nursing and diaper changes and bad dreams, and days of  exhausting mothering.  I am so grateful for you and can’t even fathom what my life would have been/would be without you.  I love you so much!!!

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6 responses »

  1. Yup, we’re pretty much old. My life is far different than I thought too, but I like it much better than what I thought I wanted.

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  2. I never got a chance to wish you a happy birthday on the actual day 😦 I’m glad you had a great day!

    And I love how God changes our plans most of what I thought I wanted out of life is nowhere near what I would want now

    Love you my friend! ❤

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    • No worries! Isn’t that great about God? We think we know exactly what we want and what would be best for us. Then we look back on it and think “whoa… that would’ve been really bad.” He’s pretty cool like that. 😉

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